Want to Work Smarter? Work Together-ish

When I was a kid, my best friend Leslie and I spent hooouuurrrs inventing games that required neither of us to be bossed around. You couldn’t catch either one of us playing a baby, a student or anybody else in a funky power dynamic. (Do I need to tell you that we are both youngests?) 

We’d use my mom’s speech pathology flash cards to provide therapy to my dolls, then meet in the teachers’ lounge (a.k.a. my basement hallway) to confer about any progress made with ‘R’s and ‘L’s. In our fashion agency, we’d each draw outfits for exclusive clients and compare notes at the fax machine (read: chest of drawers with a toy phone on top). In our social service venture, Teenline Hotline Helpline, we’d counsel imagined troubled teens through crises on my family’s defunct landline phones and trade insights about the state of modern-day teendom. Never mind that we hadn’t yet reached teendom ourselves. 

I didn’t know what it was called then, but now I know we were engaging in parallel play. 

Parallel play is a stage of social development wherein children learn to play independently yet near each other, doing different activities in the same room or doing the same activity but not interacting about it. Turns out, adults can get a lot out of parallel play, too. For my purposes, I’m defining grown-up parallel play as intentionally sharing space with someone you trust while you each work on something. 

Parallel play has come back into my life since I started working from home the past couple of years, and it has been a life saver. When solitude has reached the end of its usefulness, I need to share space with someone I like who also happens to be working. That’s when I’ll show up with my laptop at my friend Kevin’s dining table for an afternoon or convince my friend Tina to meet me at a coffee shop to write for a couple of hours. These work sessions are life-giving. And I don’t think enough people are getting in on this magic, the simple sorcery of parallel play.

If you’re wondering how parallel play could work for you, I’ve laid out a few examples that have been successful for me. 

Shared presence, no interaction. In this version of parallel play, you meet up, get to work and then go on your merry way. If you do have a chat, it’s not about the work. Some days, you need accountability to cross some things off your to-do list but you don’t have much social energy. This is for those days.

Shared presence + interactive wrap-up. With this version, you work in silence in the same space for an allotted time, then you each talk about what you worked on and exchange observations or suggestions. 

Silent ideation + collaboration. Working on the same project? Spend the first part of your time together silently generating and jotting down your own ideas, research and questions on the topic. Once you’ve both had adequate time to make a good list, share your ideas out loud and find ways to build on each other’s thoughts.

Interactive kickoff + silent ideation. This version works whether you’ve got a shared project or different projects. Start with the problem(s) to solve or a direction for ideation. Share those up front with as much detail as you need for the other person to get the gist. Then, spend the majority of your time together silently producing ideas for each other’s problem/project. Share ideas out loud at the end.

Any of these can be done with two or more people. Just remember, with the more interactive versions, more people add more time.

Parallel play has so many benefits.

Back in my prodigy fashion designer days, the main perk of parallel play was not getting bossed around, but I’ve noticed a lot more benefits as a grown-up. Read what experts have to say about the benefits of parallel play if you’re interested. I won’t pretend to know the science, but I’ll tell you what I’ve experienced.

When I’m working silently with someone I trust, I get the feeling of “I can’t wait to share this with them,” instead of “This dumb idea will disappear into the black hole of my computer.” Not every idea I have is exciting or worth sharing, obviously, but when I do strike gold, it makes it so much more satisfying to be able to share it with a friend.

Time constraints are my friend. Working with someone else means we’re likely not going to set up shop in a cafe booth for twelve hours. That time limit helps rein in my distractible brain and better use my time for the task at hand.

Being with one of my trusted people helps me stay aware of my own body and rhythms without getting too isolated. I naturally think about the possibility that my friend might be hungry or thirsty or need a break to get up and move. Checking in with them helps me check in with myself.

Sharing intentional space meets a need for connection. That means I’m less tempted to scroll for some semblance of human interaction and my dog gets a break from my tired monologues.

Confidence is contagious. I believe more in my ideas when I’m working with someone whose ideas I believe in. If they’re willing to work in tandem with me, then I must not be the absolute worst.

I gain extra benefits from experiencing parallel play in person, but I’ve also found the virtual version beneficial. Lately, I’ve been meeting weekly on Zoom with other writers to write and talk about our writing lives. Virtual parallel play works best if, when you gather, you each share your intention for the time and at least some folks leave cameras on. Mute is usually good, but some people like the white noise of another person typing or scrawling on paper, so take your pick if you’re the organizer.

Now it’s time to give parallel play a whirl yourself. You may experience totally different benefits and I’m curious/nosey to hear about them. If you have a chance to try parallel play, let me know how it goes. I’m dying to hear about the magic you’re creating in the company of your people.